Day 1: Holy Vaca!
Today hasn't been so bad. My body doesn't know that it's going to be starving yet!
I started the morning off with Potassium broth. It's a alkalizer that's made from cooking potatoes, carrots, celery, and herbs together in water, then draining the water off and drinking it. Turns out if you don't stir if, you get a strong carroty taste. Tomorrow morning I'll be stirring!
I made a rather delicious concoction of apple, carrot, and orange juice. I diluted it hard core because of the high acidity in oranges, so it actually tastes like watered down orange juice, but I like it. Better than my apple/carrot disaster yesterday. I discovered the hard way that you actually probably should match apple for carrot or what you drink won't be sweet at all but REALLY carroty.
I'm drinking green tea right now... warm so that's fun. My friend suggested I freeze juice into ice cubes so that I can feel like I'm eating something. Might be an interesting solution! I'm grateful I chose to give up coffee and pop three days before this in order to get through those withdrawels. I think that on TOP of the hunger would have been REALLY bad.
The hunger pains only last for a moment and then they go away. I'm sure they'll get worse, but again, my body doesn't recognize it yet. And it actually seems to be satisfied when I drink the juices, tea, or water. So *shrug*.
With today being Ash Wednesday, services are tonight at the good ol' church. I'll attend those in fifteen minutes, then head home for the evening. One Tree Hill is on tonight! Thank God I elected to NOT fast from that! Chad Michael Murray makes me happy.
Today's been a depressing day for a variety of reasons. One being that someone I care about very deeply may not want to continue to be friends with me after I regrettably said something to him when I was angry. It's hard trying to grieve for Ashton and continue to function as a normal human being sometimes. I get a lot of things confused and wires switched around. I am truly sorry for what I said, however. It feels weird to not be forgiven for something. That's never happened to me before.
At time I honestly think I'm going crazy. My life just skips around so rapidly that I have a hard time keeping up with it. And now, I'm beginning to realize that I have a bit of a different outlook on the world. Of course, being tired from all of the old things I used to do is incredibly frustrating. I want my cape back, darn it!
I feel really lonely right now. Ugh, I don't know.
Update 10:46
I've been accused multiple times now of being up and down and virtually insane. I'm sorry that I'm not sane right now. My heart is hurting so much that sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe it IS self-fulfilling. That I keep trying to make things worse in order to make sure my heart continues to suffer. That way I don't have to deal with the fact that she's gone and never coming back. As if I could forget in the first place, but still. I don't know what to do. I know I'm angry, sad, and frustrated. And I feel alone. I can't shake that feeling overall. I feel alone in all of this like no one understands me. Or if they do attempt to understand me, they MISunderstand me. I just want this to be over. Not the fasting, but the grief.
I started the morning off with Potassium broth. It's a alkalizer that's made from cooking potatoes, carrots, celery, and herbs together in water, then draining the water off and drinking it. Turns out if you don't stir if, you get a strong carroty taste. Tomorrow morning I'll be stirring!
I made a rather delicious concoction of apple, carrot, and orange juice. I diluted it hard core because of the high acidity in oranges, so it actually tastes like watered down orange juice, but I like it. Better than my apple/carrot disaster yesterday. I discovered the hard way that you actually probably should match apple for carrot or what you drink won't be sweet at all but REALLY carroty.
I'm drinking green tea right now... warm so that's fun. My friend suggested I freeze juice into ice cubes so that I can feel like I'm eating something. Might be an interesting solution! I'm grateful I chose to give up coffee and pop three days before this in order to get through those withdrawels. I think that on TOP of the hunger would have been REALLY bad.
The hunger pains only last for a moment and then they go away. I'm sure they'll get worse, but again, my body doesn't recognize it yet. And it actually seems to be satisfied when I drink the juices, tea, or water. So *shrug*.
With today being Ash Wednesday, services are tonight at the good ol' church. I'll attend those in fifteen minutes, then head home for the evening. One Tree Hill is on tonight! Thank God I elected to NOT fast from that! Chad Michael Murray makes me happy.
Today's been a depressing day for a variety of reasons. One being that someone I care about very deeply may not want to continue to be friends with me after I regrettably said something to him when I was angry. It's hard trying to grieve for Ashton and continue to function as a normal human being sometimes. I get a lot of things confused and wires switched around. I am truly sorry for what I said, however. It feels weird to not be forgiven for something. That's never happened to me before.
At time I honestly think I'm going crazy. My life just skips around so rapidly that I have a hard time keeping up with it. And now, I'm beginning to realize that I have a bit of a different outlook on the world. Of course, being tired from all of the old things I used to do is incredibly frustrating. I want my cape back, darn it!
I feel really lonely right now. Ugh, I don't know.
Update 10:46
I've been accused multiple times now of being up and down and virtually insane. I'm sorry that I'm not sane right now. My heart is hurting so much that sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe it IS self-fulfilling. That I keep trying to make things worse in order to make sure my heart continues to suffer. That way I don't have to deal with the fact that she's gone and never coming back. As if I could forget in the first place, but still. I don't know what to do. I know I'm angry, sad, and frustrated. And I feel alone. I can't shake that feeling overall. I feel alone in all of this like no one understands me. Or if they do attempt to understand me, they MISunderstand me. I just want this to be over. Not the fasting, but the grief.
posted by Whit | 3:24 PM
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